My mind is in a totally confusing state now...
I don't even know where to start...

Let me just say I have not been totally honest with anyone of you.
I have not been a good friend,
I have not been a good daugther,
I have not been a good schoolmate
I have not been a good bestie...
...
so much.
so much...

Just this morning, I was typing out an sms.

How are you feeling now?
I don't know.
Everything is just too fast.
I still rem the day all I hope has finally come true...
Everything seems so unreal.
I admit I am not as happy as I thought I will be.
but at least, at least,
I stop feeling pain within me.

Now...
all that dream have been crushed.
Just when I started believing.
How werid.
Tears are rolling down my eyes
but...
I don't even feel how I feel.
It feels as if I have no more feelings.

Is this scary or a blessing in disguise?
I have no idea.
But what I do know is that everytime I end up believing,I will always get hurt.

No.
No one is saving you.
There is never a door for you, little girl.

After I wrote that, I realise...I don't even know who I can send it to.

I thought I have changed.
But by the end of the day, I always come to realise I am all alone by myself.

Welcome, pain. Welcome to my life.
No, I should say you have always been there.
Just that I have always been running away from you.

I am not running now.
Because you have already become part of me.

I am sick and tired.
I am sick of always listening to people and doing things that I don't even like.
I am tired of believing and thinking everything is possible when it is not going to be.
I am sick and tired of myself not being able to face up to reality,
I am sick and tired of myself trying to accomodate to everyone else.

Every hour,
Every minute,
Every second,

I tell myself,
it's going to be all right.It's going to be all right.

No,
I am not ok.
If there is even an option, I will have disappear this very minute
and maybe I will never ever come back.

Not to run away,
but to throw away my past
and allow myself to start afresh.

I look into the mirror and I can't even see who I am now.
Who is this girl?
What do you want?

I have no idea at all.

No, I am not angry.
Just that, I don't even have the ability to think or sort out my feelings right now (if any ever remains).

I need a rest.
I want a rest.
I am not sure if I can find myself
but at least,
but at least,
let me just step out for a while
to breathe.

Perhaps after that,
I can then bother to find myself,
and find others again.

You say "just, just make sure I am all right."
I did not reply.
Because this is one thing I can't promise.
It's just like you went through an operation.
You heal but your scar will be there forever.

I can't even give any answers right now.
Not to myself,
Not to you,
Not to my friends,
Not to my family.

Till everything settles...

I just want to be alone...
Alone.