Sorry, people.
I guess all of you will be reading some emo posts from me for now.

Because I have found myself another new year resolution.
Speak out.

Thta's why for once, I am not going to pretend that I am strong and I am not hurt,
but admit I am hurt and faced up to it.

After talking to dot yesterday,
I came to realise everytime I am upset, I just stack everything inside of me.
Then when things turn bad, the feeling will just get worse overtime.

Huh...I hear this before...
Anyway, it's has really becoming a bad habit of mine.
And I realise it's time to change all this.
So that I can load my heart with more happiness and less sadness. =D

I am hurt.
Deeply.
No doubt.
But at least, I am slowly learning from it.
I just need some time.
Some help.
And I will be fine.=D

It's great to be blogging and listening to songs.
It's always help when you are feeling terrible. =)

Went back to ngee ann with dot yesterday.
It changed so much. I can't even recognise it anymore.
We walked around the school and I realised I really miss poly.
Every corner is filled with so much memories.
So much fun.
Ok, I am crazy but I miss all the times we rush assignments.

It's just so...totally different in uni.
I might have been in one semster in uni but I guess I am not really adapting well.
You just have to be much more independent.

I don't really like that.
I missed my friends. =(

I have a few closer friends in uni.
We have lunch every once a week?
And attend some lectures together.

But you know what? It's still very different.
You don't really get to the state whereby all of you have those heart to heart talk.
Not that I don't want to but they just don't.

Ever imagine after that, you have to go to each tutorial and even some lecture alone,
and in every class, you don't even know anyone?
You might ask, just get to know people.
Yes, you get to know people...but it's just not the same anymore.

They are not that kind of friends who you will hang out every single moment,
but just classmates and school mates.

Then you also have to adapt to learning something that you have no prior knowledge and they expect you to be of certain standard.

It's really hard.
You just get burn out so easily.

Then, something bad happen to you.
Hurting you more.

It's really, really hard.
Just one problem after another...

But luckily, I have a great group of friends.
Thanks.
Without you all, I really will not have survive.

I have no idea how but they always just manage to drive the negative out of me and fill me with positivity.=)

From the walk in ngee ann yesterday, I also realise one thing.
Ngee ann contains just so much good memories, good times, good friends,good aura
that I don't even want to move on.
So much that I don't even give uni a chance.

Perhaps,
just perhaps.
I can just try.
Maybe things will not be as bad as I thought.

I miss the me when I was in poly.
The one who is full of craziness,
full of passion,
full of confidence.

I miss her so much that it hurts.

I just realise when I leave ngee ann, I leave her behind too.

I guess I just need to find myself again.

Ok,feel much better now. Type out negative emotions. =X

Will be back soon. I think.

My mind is in a totally confusing state now...
I don't even know where to start...

Let me just say I have not been totally honest with anyone of you.
I have not been a good friend,
I have not been a good daugther,
I have not been a good schoolmate
I have not been a good bestie...
...
so much.
so much...

Just this morning, I was typing out an sms.

How are you feeling now?
I don't know.
Everything is just too fast.
I still rem the day all I hope has finally come true...
Everything seems so unreal.
I admit I am not as happy as I thought I will be.
but at least, at least,
I stop feeling pain within me.

Now...
all that dream have been crushed.
Just when I started believing.
How werid.
Tears are rolling down my eyes
but...
I don't even feel how I feel.
It feels as if I have no more feelings.

Is this scary or a blessing in disguise?
I have no idea.
But what I do know is that everytime I end up believing,I will always get hurt.

No.
No one is saving you.
There is never a door for you, little girl.

After I wrote that, I realise...I don't even know who I can send it to.

I thought I have changed.
But by the end of the day, I always come to realise I am all alone by myself.

Welcome, pain. Welcome to my life.
No, I should say you have always been there.
Just that I have always been running away from you.

I am not running now.
Because you have already become part of me.

I am sick and tired.
I am sick of always listening to people and doing things that I don't even like.
I am tired of believing and thinking everything is possible when it is not going to be.
I am sick and tired of myself not being able to face up to reality,
I am sick and tired of myself trying to accomodate to everyone else.

Every hour,
Every minute,
Every second,

I tell myself,
it's going to be all right.It's going to be all right.

No,
I am not ok.
If there is even an option, I will have disappear this very minute
and maybe I will never ever come back.

Not to run away,
but to throw away my past
and allow myself to start afresh.

I look into the mirror and I can't even see who I am now.
Who is this girl?
What do you want?

I have no idea at all.

No, I am not angry.
Just that, I don't even have the ability to think or sort out my feelings right now (if any ever remains).

I need a rest.
I want a rest.
I am not sure if I can find myself
but at least,
but at least,
let me just step out for a while
to breathe.

Perhaps after that,
I can then bother to find myself,
and find others again.

You say "just, just make sure I am all right."
I did not reply.
Because this is one thing I can't promise.
It's just like you went through an operation.
You heal but your scar will be there forever.

I can't even give any answers right now.
Not to myself,
Not to you,
Not to my friends,
Not to my family.

Till everything settles...

I just want to be alone...
Alone.